Let’s try that again, shall we?

Hey there!  Long time, no see!  How the devil are you?

Me?  Oh fine, fine … you know, just living the dream.

That’s what we all say, isn’t it.  We say what we’re expected to say.  We might vary a little from that pattern with close friends and family, partners, etc. but generally we’re a bit sheep-like in that respect.  Fortunately I’m very much a ‘glass mostly full’ kind of person, and generally pretty smiley most of the time – but this does mean that if I want to share with someone I have to dig deep and be honest.  Unless I go to Slow yoga, in which case everyone can see how I’m doing because it’s totally transparent. Weird, eh?

So.  Am I living the dream?  Well yes, but sometimes it’s not quite the dream I’d like!  I really haven’t been focusing at all – haven’t been writing, haven’t been using my Wellbeing Journal, haven’t been planning food … generally stuck in a bit of a lacklustre rut. Takeaways and chips have been a bit too frequent, and I really need to get back to examining my ‘why’. To the uninitiated – ‘why’ do I need to change at all?

I can quite confidently say that not an awful lot has changed since the last time I blogged, although it’s entirely possible that my heart rate has trended upwards … and now down again.  There have been some rather stressful times (work) and now I’m de-stressing (home) with a weekend at a cousin’s, looking after her rather gorgeous one year old cat. He’s a bit stand-offish, with the exception of ear rubs, which turn him to putty in my hands.  Bless him.

I confess though, I haven’t been looking forward to this weekend.  I am a total crazy cat lady in training, without my own cat (renting) – so this makes me very happy.  What I haven’t been looking forward to is the food element.  Now, to any ‘normal’ person, this probably wouldn’t even be an issue. There might be a takeaway, supermarket food, exciting deli round the corner food, pub food, etc. etc.  For me, this is really hard.  I am such a creature of habit, the only real option that presents itself immediately is takeaway.  Given that the one thing I want to take away from this weekend (other than a deeper longing for a cat of my own) is to not feel so bloated and horrid, so I can start the work week with a bit more of a bounce in my step.

Are you ready for this?

OK.  I don’t eat cold food. I can’t bear vinegar, mayonnaise or any sauces – it’s a texture thing. Cold food from a fridge just doesn’t seem right to me, and my brain just says ‘nope’. If I do, I’m basically vegetarian as the thought of cold gristle or fat makes my stomach churn.  I can just about do very, very dry ham; cheese; plain salad. I have a total phobia of sandwiches as a result, as it’s basically all my fears of food in one go … with a dollop of uncertainty to go with it.  I will make my own cheese sandwiches, but that’s it.

Take any of the above and heat it up, and I’m jimdandy fine with it.  Yum yum!  Not that I cook, you understand.

Now I’m at someone else’s house,  with unknown shops, none of my ‘go to’ things, and it’s all a bit of a disaster.  First stop takeaway, then sweets and pastries.  Except that I really, really don’t want to do that because I know I’ll feel like shit. Because I already do, so that won’t change.

I have an added focus today – my butt was almost, so very nearly, really really nearly too fat to fit into the tube seats. It was also so very nearly too big to fit in the opera house seats last week.  This is SO not good. I am NOT going to be that person. I’m also horrified by just how sweaty and hot I’ve been lately – it’s been a while since I tramped around London, and as it’s beginning to get warmer I really struggled last week.  OK so I had thick socks on, and if my feet get hot the rest of me overheats – but still … Sweat pouring off me while others were standing in scarves and coats and I’m in a thin tee shirt.  This cannot be me.

But it is me. So now what?

So now, I refocus.  I blog.  I plan.  I work on alternatives to ham and cheese rolls so I can actually eat something else at work. I work on coping strategies for those times when I feel like I’m floundering and falling into old habits.

Watching telly? Craving takeaway? Question – if I weren’t watching telly, if I were walking or reading or someone asked me to go for coffee – would I still be interested in the takeaway?  No.  Every single time, that would be the answer.  So I need to find tactics to change the situation.

A couple of thoughts:

  • Tea – try various different types of tea
  • Coffee – this is more for daytime boredom, pop out for a coffee and walk instead
  • Music. Turn off the telly and do something else
  • Reading – I don’t do enough of this, and I LOVE reading.  It’s total escapism, and just so, so good!
  • Writing!  Very cathartic, and really helpful for sorting out what I’m actually feeling. It’s very rare that I’m actually driven by a real desire for food

Right now, I feel awful. I’m getting acid reflux because of my weight. My back hurts because my posture is all wrong. My hip hurts because I’m carrying too much weight.  I’m overheating because I’m out of shape. I’ve been trim before (note – not thin, I don’t ever want to be ‘thin’, it’s just not me) and I know how good it feels to be in fighting form. I’m going to get back there.

Just watch me.





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